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The stories behind Devon price’s article caused me to think of why I have trouble writing further on this blog – despite having a lot of material saved.
The organisational part is important – it’s simply not easy to sit down and get on with writing when your brain has serious trouble settling down on one topic.
The thing that was hovering behind it like a wraith was this tendency to make oneself invisible via masking – or not expressing anything “odd”.
Devon talks about being blanked when people can’t engage with some behaviour like stimming or saying something “inappropriate”. This is something that I haven’t always been aware of but have had this feeling of people going blank via awkward silences or shifting off a topic.
I can also remember the thing that comes off as a dismissive laugh when questioning some “obvious” point of human behaviour. Ah, that’s just the way the world works. An ironic statement when a lot of people have a very poor understanding of the way the world actually works – this is more about coping with the world practically based on a neuronormative experience.
Whatever does lead to becoming quiet and unremarkable has been undermining my courage to simply put things out for a few readers online – not even something I’m expecting to be seen by anyone who won’t understand on some level.
Even this sat in the drafts for weeks when it’s fine as a small thought to share.
Devon price isn’t the first prolific autistic writer I’ve come across, but something about his uncompromising directness cause me to have one of those re-realisations that I’ve fallen into patterns of hiding again – a reminder of how long it can take to dig out of masking behaviours when they keep coming back unconsciously.